Being Introverted in an Extroverted World

In a world made by extroverts for extroverts, the introvert is deeply misunderstood.

Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

What comes to mind when you hear of an introvert? Unless you yourself are one (like myself) you will probably have lots of faulty assumptions. The impression I have of how introverts are sometimes perceived is so far from the reality. 

The Faulty Perception

I’m hesitant to label myself as an introvert at times when speaking about myself because I know most extroverted people have a completely faulty perception of what it means to be introverted. If I introduce myself as an introvert people will assume I am a shy, quiet little mouse who probably isn’t very fun! I definitely don’t come across this way as I am anything but a quiet, timid little mouse and this has absolutely nothing to do with being introverted. Sigh! In fact, I come across as quite extroverted. Why? Because it’s assumed that extroversion and introversion has to do with how one comes across when in fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with this. So what is it then?

Introversion vs Extroversion

The distinction between these two comes down to one fundamental difference. Where and how you derive your energy from. That’s it. That will inevitably mean that our behaviours sometimes vary in order to meet our energetic needs and requirements, yet this is a bi-product of the definition, not the definition itself, which is where the misconception has most likely come from in the first place. 

Introverts derive their energy from solitude, peace and quiet. It’s an absolute necessity to spend time alone to recharge on the regular. Extroverts on the other hand, derive their energy from other people and social gatherings. They often dislike to spend time on their own. 

Let’s clear one thing up: Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people.

Laurie Helgoe

What is the fundamental distinction here which is often overlooked? Introverts crave meaning. We’re deep thinkers and shallow, surface level company doesn’t cut it. We seek meaningful, deep conversations and real connections over chit chat any day. Parties? Well, to me it depends on the party. If it’s just chit chat, meaningless banter and people drowning their sorrows in alcohol by intoxicating their bodies (I don’t drink), I’m out. I can see how this might be labelled as not very fun, yet what’s fun about something so meaningless? The words of a true introvert!

If on the other hand, it’s a gathering of interesting people and stimulating dialogue, I’m in! To the introvert it’s all about quality over quantity interactions. As introverts we also like to have fun and enjoy a good time! We do sniff out superficiality very quickly and as this doesn’t feed us on any level, we simply prefer to withdraw and disengage. Our time and energy is better spent on our own in those cases. 

Introverts have rich inner worlds and are often very creative. If we are going to spend time around you we want real connection and meaningful dialogue. Otherwise, it gets boring very quickly honestly. We’re also so happy in our own company. We love spending time on our own, with animals and in nature. It feeds our souls. Why? Because these things are the definition of what’s real. And an introvert loves what’s real and abhors the fake. Perhaps we’re more sensitive. (Are introverts also highly sensitive AKA an HSP? I’ve thought a lot about this and I believe there to be a link there and that the two go hand in hand. What do you think?) 

Overstimulation

What is considered highly stimulating, exciting and energising to the extrovert is often experienced as the complete opposite to the introvert. Yesterday I was at a busy cafe writing away and it was so loud, noisy and chaotic that it felt very overwhelming. Not easy to feel at ease or find peace in such an environment for an introvert. As I looked around me, no one else seemed to be feeling that way. Just me I guess! I craved for nothing more than being somewhere quiet and peaceful in that moment.

Constant noise, meaningless chatter, it’s exhausting for the introvert! Being around extroverts we can perhaps come across as somewhat elusive and mysterious. Our inner thoughts and feelings run deep. Silence is satisfying. 

Photo by David Hofmann on Unsplash

Societal Expectations

We live in a society that seems to favour the extrovert. If you think about it, all the things we are told to want and the status that often come with these are quite extroverted in nature. Just look at social media. People are always showcasing their busy lives, darting here and there, large gatherings, seeking attention. The list goes on. These are inherently extroverted activities. I fell into the trap of chasing these in the past, not acknowledging or honouring my introverted nature. No more! Give me a quiet park bench or a peaceful coffee shop with some soft jazz, meaningful one-to-one conversations and I’m energised, thriving with delight! 

Carl Jung is of course the psychoanalyst who first coined the terms of introversion and extroversion. Being a huge admirer of his work I also find it quite interesting how he spoke about the concept of individuation and how we are more externally focused (like the extrovert) in our younger years, turning more internally focused (like the introvert) in our senior years. This is part of the individuation process. We go from establishing ourselves in the physical world through concentrated externalised focus to focusing more on stillness and being later in life. He explained how both are equally valuable and necessary. Traditional Chinese Medicine also speaks to this, how our life reflects the seasons with childhood represented by spring and old age by winter. 

The monotony and solitude of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind

Albert Einstein

Perhaps we can therefore also compare and contrast the extrovert and the introvert personality types with the seasons, extroverts represented by spring and summer, introverts by autumn and winter. Regardless of age, some of us are introverts our entire lives, others are extroverts throughout their lifespan. Some of us will have shifts where we become more of one or the other. We’re all on our unique journeys. Yet a year wouldn’t be complete without all the seasons and the different energies they each represent.

Where Do We Go From Here?

What I believe to be the most important thing to remember for all of us is to embrace our differences, without glorifying one or the other. It seems to me that there is a shift happening where we are coming to embrace the introverted qualities more as a society and I believe this is needed. Otherwise, if we continue to glorify the external there is no equilibrium. Everything is necessary to create a healthy balance. My wish is that society will start to honour its introverts as much as its extroverts. Remote and hybrid working is one example of a development which is very positive for introverted employees. It can be incredibly draining having to be in an office 5 times a week, not to mention the commute. 

We have to understand that extroverts and introverts have very different needs in order to thrive. Society has been founded on extroverted principles where it’s easier for the extrovert to thrive, whereas the introvert is often not catered to. This needs to change. Introverts have so much to offer society. But if we are to bring our unique gifts and talents to the forefront, don’t expect us to be keen to participate in the extrovert’s world. Create space and understanding and allow us to retreat to our solitary selves when we need to. When we emerge from our cosy caves we’ll contribute with our ideas, wisdom and innovative insights.

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